Thursday, June 28, 2007

All Curfuffled!

Well, I have to say my friend has the most beautiful baby girl I have ever seen (next to my own daughter, that is). She is exquisite.
Actually it has thrown me for a loop. I am so emotional thinking back at my own time of having a baby and can not believe that I will never have another. Holding a precious gift of life.
My daughter has been and always will be the most wonderful gift I have ever received, but it hurts my heart to think it stops with her. There are so many things to think about though and for the majority I have talked myself out of thinking that I would be able to accommodate mother hood to anymore children. My biggest fear was breaking the bond with my daughter. You see, Stasia and I have travelled a long road together. She has always been my drive for life. Now though she is twelve and I know that is not all grown up and she still needs me and all that, but she just doesn't need me know? Which is good and I love the stages of watching her grow and soon she will be a teen and I can't wait to see her become a young teen girl, flirting and giggling and laughing and fussing all the good things. I just miss the baby times. She was a perfect baby. Never cried never grumpy she was a happy little bundle of joy.
Even if it was possible to have a child I would be older and right now I have started on a journey for myself. It's true you you become and older woman (well, closer to the forties years) You really do become more complete and satisfied in your own self. I really love the time I am spending at karate, and kayaking( if I ever get out again) and times I get to just do nothing. But would I give it up again to hold and adore another gift of life? I don't know. What I do know is looking at Krista's baby and seeing pictures of her boys makes me think, yes I might. Time, luck, and patients, all contributing factors. Well, I suppose though maybe it will pass and I will just get over it, but it seems to always be burning in the back of my brain. What if? Is this really the end? Do I wait now until my daughter is grown and decides that she is ready to have children. What if she never does and I have become accustomed to the fact that I was going to be a grandma one day and settled for never having more because of that, and she decides she does not want them. Of course that would be fine, it's her life, but what if? This is just a post of rambling I really needed to get it out you know. This way it is still to myself and I don't have to talk to anyone about it, but of coarse you all are reading this so I also feel like I talked to someone, even though I didn't. So Rambling is done and the next post will be happy and I will be over the indecisiveness. No regrets Roght? Right. So good day to all and Thanks again. have done a marvelous job...Hillary is wonderful. Enjoy!

No comments: