Thursday, January 29, 2009

Finding me - 3

Were do I start? I feel kind of lost today. Not completely and not for any particular reason. I will try and explain. I have been working on my inner self and my outer self for just over three weeks now. I know that this is not a long time and the journey will be continues, but I feel a yearning to know more ( about NVC ), to feel more, to understand more about my feelings and why I chose to live my life the way I have up until this point. I was watching a video on do with roll playing and to my dislike, it made me cry, it made me feel uncomfortable because it made me feel. Why? I have learned along my path of life to block my feelings, and when the uncertainty of my feelings do arise it makes me uncomfortable, ashamed, and scared. Even typing that right now, I have to stop and practice breathing deeply.
I can say on the other hand though, that by starting to learn more about NVC and my feelings is very exciting at the same time. I am sure I am not alone with the way I feel, and I want my life to have more meaning. I am tired of the emptiness that resides deep down in my pit. It's time to face those uncomfortable feelings, understand me and what makes me tick. I know I am on the right path, and for the first time in my life I feel like it will all make sense. I am a good person. I am worthy of all that my heart desires.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Practice for next year....

This is me shooting my 270. I was doing target practice. I am waiting until next hunting season. I am hoping to shoot my first dear...this year it did not happen for me. I have made a choice and decided, since I like meat I will only eat what I shoot, and if I don't kill an animal that year...well I don't eat for now I am a vegetarian....jeesh its hard.....but I am all for free range, and how much more free range can you get then shooting a wild animal? I really hope this does not offend's not intended's just another incite to who I am......
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A new day :)

The past few days have been really good for me. I feel pretty good, I am trying to be aware of my feelings, I am trying to communicate on a healthy level, all and all today is a good day:)
As well I have been thinking about joining the YMCA here, but I have also been thinking about joining another place that's just for woman. I emailed them yesterday on their on-line contest..and I won! I am going today after work to get a tour and my prize. I think its a free membership for a certain amount of time. Probably long enough to get me hooked, but that's OK no time is better then none....Have a great day to everyone...

Monday, January 26, 2009

Finding me - 2

I mentioned my friend on my previous post, and about how she was learning this great tool from NVC. Last week I was having one of those days and decided to call her. I am glad that I did. Just as I always am . Anyways, a suggestion that she had given me that day was to be aware of my feelings. In every situation ask yourself how do you feel.
Well I tried that, and I have to say it was difficult to try and pinpoint a feeling, as well as to try and remember to ask myself the question of how am I feeling? I still have to stop my brain from just assuming what it wants, and say to my self how am I feeling. By doing this in a situation of any sort this weekend, I felt that I was more aware of the situation and how to deal with it on a more rational and compassionate level. I will continue to practice this and hopefully it will become second nature for me to be in tune with what and how I am feeling....

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Finding me

I have been doing some self reflecting over that past while. I have come to realize a few things.
1. I have low self esteem,
2. I really don't know who I am.
I ask myself how can that possibly be? Have I gone through my whole life not knowing myself? I used to think I knew what I wanted. I used to be the kind of person that would just make up my mind and do something whatever it may have been. I have realized that all this time since I was a young teen that all the decisions I have made (well maybe not every single one of them, but most) have been, careless ,unguided and a thoughtless path of running. I suppose running from myself.
So where do I go from here?
I went to a natural path, and so far it has been a wonderful experience. I am extremely happy that I made the choice to care about myself enough to go.
I am going to start to exercise. That will help my mind.
As for the rest, I am not sure what to do.
I have a dear friend that I consider my family. She has discovered a great tool that she talks about allot recently, she calls it NVC and it sounds interesting. I have looked for someone in my city that teaches the tool, but no such luck. I am interesting in learning more and will be purchasing a book that she has recommended.
I understand that learning a different way is difficult and it will take some hard work, but I am ready.
I am happy with my life, but not myself. Does that make sense. All other aspects seem to be growing and going along just fine. I have wants and needs, but cant seem to feel like they are ever met. Ever. I always want something more. I want to know the future, why is this the way it is, will this person do what i hope for, will I have what i want, this is my problem. I need to learn to live for today. I believe allot of my insecure feelings come from when my mother died. She died young. I am afraid. I don't want to die young, and not feel I have accomplished things I want in my life. Wow even writing that brings fear and tears to my eyes. I am not good with feelings. I even now feel like I am exposing myself, that someone will judge me and think less of me. I want to stop feeling like that. So that is why I am writing it out on here. Maybe it's one more step in the right direction to feeling free of this heavy suffocation feeling in my chest. I have so many things to be happy for in my life and I want to experience them fully without doubt. I want harmony and peace and enjoyment in all that I do. Again as I come to the end of this ...I feel really uneasy about posting it...but here goes.
Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I was getting tired of eating fish. So I started to look around for something to make my taste buds jump for joy. I found it. This soup is called North African Chickpea and Kale soup. It was easy to make and so yummy. I found it on a blog called fatfreevegan. I can't wait for lunch tomorrow :)
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Sunday, January 11, 2009

A New Path.....

A start of a new path. I went to a natural path about a week ago and since then have started eating healthier and being more aware of what I am eating. I feel good about me :) it will be one step at a time but I am doing it. Next step back to running....I can't wait.
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Friday, January 9, 2009


I was looking out my back window this mornig, and kind of giggled to myseld that we are not the only ones getting so much snow.....poor little birdies.
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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

My Beautiful Daughter

She finaly let me take a picture of her. She is so picky now.
I can not believe she will be fourteen in only four short months.
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