Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Finding me

I have been doing some self reflecting over that past while. I have come to realize a few things.
1. I have low self esteem,
2. I really don't know who I am.
I ask myself how can that possibly be? Have I gone through my whole life not knowing myself? I used to think I knew what I wanted. I used to be the kind of person that would just make up my mind and do something whatever it may have been. I have realized that all this time since I was a young teen that all the decisions I have made (well maybe not every single one of them, but most) have been, careless ,unguided and a thoughtless path of running. I suppose running from myself.
So where do I go from here?
I went to a natural path, and so far it has been a wonderful experience. I am extremely happy that I made the choice to care about myself enough to go.
I am going to start to exercise. That will help my mind.
As for the rest, I am not sure what to do.
I have a dear friend that I consider my family. She has discovered a great tool that she talks about allot recently, she calls it NVC and it sounds interesting. I have looked for someone in my city that teaches the tool, but no such luck. I am interesting in learning more and will be purchasing a book that she has recommended.
I understand that learning a different way is difficult and it will take some hard work, but I am ready.
I am happy with my life, but not myself. Does that make sense. All other aspects seem to be growing and going along just fine. I have wants and needs, but cant seem to feel like they are ever met. Ever. I always want something more. I want to know the future, why is this the way it is, will this person do what i hope for, will I have what i want, this is my problem. I need to learn to live for today. I believe allot of my insecure feelings come from when my mother died. She died young. I am afraid. I don't want to die young, and not feel I have accomplished things I want in my life. Wow even writing that brings fear and tears to my eyes. I am not good with feelings. I even now feel like I am exposing myself, that someone will judge me and think less of me. I want to stop feeling like that. So that is why I am writing it out on here. Maybe it's one more step in the right direction to feeling free of this heavy suffocation feeling in my chest. I have so many things to be happy for in my life and I want to experience them fully without doubt. I want harmony and peace and enjoyment in all that I do. Again as I come to the end of this ...I feel really uneasy about posting it...but here goes.
Thanks for listening.


Carissa and Justin Seitz said...

Wow Kim, Thank you so much for sharing your feelings. You are such a beautiful woman, with great strength and full of love. I look forward to reading along this journey with you.

Anonymous said...

It agree, very good message