I have been doing some self reflecting over that past while. I have come to realize a few things.
1. I have low self esteem,
2. I really don't know who I am.
I ask myself how can that possibly be? Have I gone through my whole life not knowing myself? I used to think I knew what I wanted. I used to be the kind of person that would just make up my mind and do something whatever it may have been. I have realized that all this time since I was a young teen that all the decisions I have made (well maybe not every single one of them, but most) have been, careless ,unguided and a thoughtless path of running. I suppose running from myself.
So where do I go from here?
I went to a natural path, and so far it has been a wonderful experience. I am extremely happy that I made the choice to care about myself enough to go.
I am going to start to exercise. That will help my mind.
As for the rest, I am not sure what to do.
I have a dear friend that I consider my family. She has discovered a great tool that she talks about allot recently, she calls it NVC and it sounds interesting. I have looked for someone in my city that teaches the tool, but no such luck. I am interesting in learning more and will be purchasing a book that she has recommended.
I understand that learning a different way is difficult and it will take some hard work, but I am ready.
I am happy with my life, but not myself. Does that make sense. All other aspects seem to be growing and going along just fine. I have wants and needs, but cant seem to feel like they are ever met. Ever. I always want something more. I want to know the future, why is this the way it is, will this person do what i hope for, will I have what i want, this is my problem. I need to learn to live for today. I believe allot of my insecure feelings come from when my mother died. She died young. I am afraid. I don't want to die young, and not feel I have accomplished things I want in my life. Wow even writing that brings fear and tears to my eyes. I am not good with feelings. I even now feel like I am exposing myself, that someone will judge me and think less of me. I want to stop feeling like that. So that is why I am writing it out on here. Maybe it's one more step in the right direction to feeling free of this heavy suffocation feeling in my chest. I have so many things to be happy for in my life and I want to experience them fully without doubt. I want harmony and peace and enjoyment in all that I do. Again as I come to the end of this ...I feel really uneasy about posting it...but here goes.
Thanks for listening.