Happy Birthday Stasia

Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter.
She is 14 now.......I can't believe it!!!
We moved on her birthday, so we didn't do much.
We watched a move (Yes Man) we had appetizers, and ice cream cake.
She was happy. She wanted her nose pierced for her birthday so that's what she got. She also got a bag full of goodies. It was a good day.

When the innocence is gone

I am writing this post only for my benefit. I need to release my emotions. I stand alone in this world and at times it is very difficult.

The title of my post is "When the innocence is gone"...I chose this because my daughter has grown into someone I don't know. She has spent many months pushing me out of her life. It doesn't matter how hard I try to stay in it, she just seems to push harder.

Fourteen years ago May 1, 1995 was the most wonderful day of my life. I have always said that God gave me my daughter to make me a better person. I truly believe that.

Over the years we have gone through so much together just her and I.

We have dealt with deaths.

We have dealt with heartaches.

We have dealt with surgeries.

We have dealt with poverty.

We have dealt with abuse.

We have dealt with moves.

We have dealt with change.

We have dealt with happiness.

We have dealt with Love.

We have dealt with Life.

She has always been with me through thick and thin. I would have had it no other way. She has always been my life, my strength, my drive, my heart, my world. Everything I have ever done was to make her life better. Every thought included how it would effect her. Every action was based on how her life would be.

We have come to a point now that is so heart wrenching for me I am having a difficult time coping.

She does not want to live in my home.

She believes she knows whats best for herself.

To a point maybe she does, but she wont let me guide her any longer.

She has created a shield for herself, a facade.

It started a long time ago, she began to change. Some of the changes were normal, and some are not. She has hurt herself. She has talked about suicide...I have been told by a doctor that its normal...I'm not so sure. She has started smoking marijuana. She has been suspended from school for smoking pot, she has been suspended for fighting. She has one more chance at school.

She has become vile.

She has become angry.

She has become abusive.

She has become depressed.

She is disrespectful.

She is aggressive.

She is lazy.

She is just not my little girl anymore.

Even though I will always consider her my baby no matter how much she dislikes it.

She wants to go. She doesn't know where.

She wants to be grown up. She doesn't know what she wants to be.

She wants a new start. She doesn't know where to start.

She wants the world. It wont fit in her hands.

Today is the last straw. Changes will be made. Lives will be changed.

She needs help. I need help.

I want my daughter back. I don't want to wait until I lose her completely.

What comes next will be the hardest journey that her and I have taken together.

How it will end I do not know. How she will respond I do not know. In fact I am going in blind.

I have never been so unsure of how to deal with anything in my life... I am going to do what I know. If you ask anyone that knows me...I am strong..I have always stood alone...I have always been a fighter.

I hope she makes it out of this. I hope she understands one day. I hope she comes back. I hope she will forgive. I hope she will give love. I hope she will receive love.

I hope she will let me hold her again.

I love you with everything that I am Stasia..........Rember this song.....its how you make me feel...

A perfect Sunday

So on Friday we went and renewed our hunting licences and we also got a bear tag. So today we decided to go out and see if we could shoot a black bear. We never seen one.
We did however see a whole herd of white tail. Figures we see them now, we aren't aloud to shoot them yet:(
I did get some amazing photos of them though. This is just one of 158 I took.

I have no clue

It's puzzling to me how fast my emotions can change from day to day, hour to hour or even minute by minute. Is there something wrong with me? Does anyone else feel like I do? I feel embarrassed and confused. Confused more then anything. Today I am confused as to what I want, need, or even my place here on earth. Where do I fit in? Why can't I feel "normal" and what is "normal"? very, very, sad, lonely and confused today :(

Just living day to day..

Life is good.
Over the past few weeks I have started to feel physically stronger. I joined a gym for the first time in my life. I have always wanted to, but because of low self esteem have never been brave enough to do it until now. Some days it still is hard to walk into the gym and keep my chin up. To try to not feel like I am not being sneered at or judged when I walk through, but I still go five days a week. I remind myself how good I feel when I get home and know that I did it...I faced my fear of insecurity and just got a little bit more healthy in the process. I am proud of me:)
I have also been keeping up with my healthy eating...with an occasional cheat here and there, but overall only healthy organic fresh foods go into my body. I have noticed that my mind feels better, clear. I do have to work on my emotions though very up and down. I still am not sure why that is. Even when I feel happy I can snap in a minute....
communication is still a challenge with the people around me...it will be a long process for me. I think one problem is I have always had walls built around myself and they are so high now that sometimes I cant see. I can feel my walls pretty much all the time in all that I do...I want to start to break them down and open myself up for real life, real communication, real love, etc....so as my blog post title says I am just living one day at a time....today is good

Finding me - 3

Were do I start? I feel kind of lost today. Not completely and not for any particular reason. I will try and explain. I have been working on my inner self and my outer self for just over three weeks now. I know that this is not a long time and the journey will be continues, but I feel a yearning to know more ( about NVC ), to feel more, to understand more about my feelings and why I chose to live my life the way I have up until this point. I was watching a video on NVC..to do with roll playing and to my dislike, it made me cry, it made me feel uncomfortable because it made me feel. Why? I have learned along my path of life to block my feelings, and when the uncertainty of my feelings do arise it makes me uncomfortable, ashamed, and scared. Even typing that right now, I have to stop and practice breathing deeply.
I can say on the other hand though, that by starting to learn more about NVC and my feelings is very exciting at the same time. I am sure I am not alone with the way I feel, and I want my life to have more meaning. I am tired of the emptiness that resides deep down in my pit. It's time to face those uncomfortable feelings, understand me and what makes me tick. I know I am on the right path, and for the first time in my life I feel like it will all make sense. I am a good person. I am worthy of all that my heart desires.

Practice for next year....

This is me shooting my 270. I was doing target practice. I am waiting until next hunting season. I am hoping to shoot my first dear...this year it did not happen for me. I have made a choice and decided, since I like meat I will only eat what I shoot, and if I don't kill an animal that year...well I don't eat meat...so for now I am a vegetarian....jeesh its hard.....but I am all for free range, and how much more free range can you get then shooting a wild animal? I really hope this does not offend anyone...it's not intended too....it's just another incite to who I am......

A new day :)

The past few days have been really good for me. I feel pretty good, I am trying to be aware of my feelings, I am trying to communicate on a healthy level, all and all today is a good day:)
As well I have been thinking about joining the YMCA here, but I have also been thinking about joining another place that's just for woman. I emailed them yesterday on their on-line contest..and I won! I am going today after work to get a tour and my prize. I think its a free membership for a certain amount of time. Probably long enough to get me hooked, but that's OK no time is better then none....Have a great day to everyone...

Finding me - 2

I mentioned my friend on my previous post, and about how she was learning this great tool from NVC. Last week I was having one of those days and decided to call her. I am glad that I did. Just as I always am . Anyways, a suggestion that she had given me that day was to be aware of my feelings. In every situation ask yourself how do you feel.
Well I tried that, and I have to say it was difficult to try and pinpoint a feeling, as well as to try and remember to ask myself the question of how am I feeling? I still have to stop my brain from just assuming what it wants, and say to my self how am I feeling. By doing this in a situation of any sort this weekend, I felt that I was more aware of the situation and how to deal with it on a more rational and compassionate level. I will continue to practice this and hopefully it will become second nature for me to be in tune with what and how I am feeling....

Finding me

I have been doing some self reflecting over that past while. I have come to realize a few things.
1. I have low self esteem,
2. I really don't know who I am.
I ask myself how can that possibly be? Have I gone through my whole life not knowing myself? I used to think I knew what I wanted. I used to be the kind of person that would just make up my mind and do something whatever it may have been. I have realized that all this time since I was a young teen that all the decisions I have made (well maybe not every single one of them, but most) have been, careless ,unguided and a thoughtless path of running. I suppose running from myself.
So where do I go from here?
I went to a natural path, and so far it has been a wonderful experience. I am extremely happy that I made the choice to care about myself enough to go.
I am going to start to exercise. That will help my mind.
As for the rest, I am not sure what to do.
I have a dear friend that I consider my family. She has discovered a great tool that she talks about allot recently, she calls it NVC and it sounds interesting. I have looked for someone in my city that teaches the tool, but no such luck. I am interesting in learning more and will be purchasing a book that she has recommended.
I understand that learning a different way is difficult and it will take some hard work, but I am ready.
I am happy with my life, but not myself. Does that make sense. All other aspects seem to be growing and going along just fine. I have wants and needs, but cant seem to feel like they are ever met. Ever. I always want something more. I want to know the future, why is this the way it is, will this person do what i hope for, will I have what i want, this is my problem. I need to learn to live for today. I believe allot of my insecure feelings come from when my mother died. She died young. I am afraid. I don't want to die young, and not feel I have accomplished things I want in my life. Wow even writing that brings fear and tears to my eyes. I am not good with feelings. I even now feel like I am exposing myself, that someone will judge me and think less of me. I want to stop feeling like that. So that is why I am writing it out on here. Maybe it's one more step in the right direction to feeling free of this heavy suffocation feeling in my chest. I have so many things to be happy for in my life and I want to experience them fully without doubt. I want harmony and peace and enjoyment in all that I do. Again as I come to the end of this ...I feel really uneasy about posting it...but here goes.
Thanks for listening.

I was getting tired of eating fish. So I started to look around for something to make my taste buds jump for joy. I found it. This soup is called North African Chickpea and Kale soup. It was easy to make and so yummy. I found it on a blog called fatfreevegan. I can't wait for lunch tomorrow :)

A New Path.....

A start of a new path. I went to a natural path about a week ago and since then have started eating healthier and being more aware of what I am eating. I feel good about me :) it will be one step at a time but I am doing it. Next step back to running....I can't wait.

Snow

I was looking out my back window this mornig, and kind of giggled to myseld that we are not the only ones getting so much snow.....poor little birdies.

My Beautiful Daughter

She finaly let me take a picture of her. She is so picky now.
I can not believe she will be fourteen in only four short months.