Christmas time...

Well its almost that time again...
So many things have been happening in my life I don't have time to write on here. Although writing is one of my favorite past times. I find it healing and a release. I just don't have the time.

Christmas...hmmm well I did bake some gingerbread, although they sit naked on a plate..no time to decorate. Tonight maybe.
The tree is set up..there is nothing underneath it, but it looks pretty.
That would be all that I have done. I caught the last three minutes of a Charlie Brown Christmas..that just brought tears to my eyes and made me laugh at the same time. Christmas is just not the same anymore. My daughter is thirteen and has turned into a foreign creature. She is a whirlwind of drama, rebelliousness and hormones whipping through the house. Every day is a new fiasco to deal with.
As well it doesn't seem to matter that my mom died more than seven years ago, it stills feels like yesterday. Christmas and trying times with my daughter just make it more apparent how much I miss her.

I could look on the bright side. Everyone is healthy. That's good.
Anyways if I am not on here before Christmas...Merry Christmas Everyone !

Feelings......

Friday...Finlay. It seems like such a long time since on here last...funny how that happens.
Tomorrow is going to be such a busy day. I am going back to Oliver for the night. My house is for sale and my ex has moved out and it seems all of my stuff is in a pile :(
I have to go back and pack. It will be weird to sleep at the house, not really sure how I feel about it.. scared, happy, sad, nervous,angry,and exhausted. I think I am still not at peace with the past. I have been able to place it in the back of my mind, and pick at the feelings one at a time to sort. I just haven't worked through them all. I feel that it is mostly anger now. I wish that I could let all of my feelings out on here, but I feel like I would be exposing myself.

"We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow healing process
of time. We should discipline ourselves to recognize that there are many steps
to be taken along the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity... We
should anticipate these stages in our emotional convalescence : unbearable pain,
poignant grief, empty days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in life,
gradually giving way...to the new weaving of a pattern of action and acceptance
of the irresistible challenge of life."


I am glad for what I have and the people in my life and the love they share with me.
Happiness is what you make of it...and I have total control of my own happiness.
I AM HAPPY :)

Camping

We went fishing on the Fraser river this past weekend, and it was sandy,hot,and rainy, but I wouldn't have changed a thing. Well maybe one thing, and that would be for us to catch a fish! Darn it all ...it was not a lack of trying that's for sure....there was guys all around us in boats and from shore and they were catching them one after another. Next time.....I hope.
Stasia tried out her new fly rod...I was so proud of her. I don't know if she likes it so much right now, but with a little more practice I know she will love it....just like her mom.
Anyways....just a short post for now...so many things to tell, but not the right time.
Bye for now.

Celebration of Lights 2008

Well I tell you what....I sure had to learn some features on my camera fast.....I was taking pictures untill it got dark and then the fireworks started and my shutter would not take the picture....I was freaking...so I sat down and started to fiddle with the settings...by the way not knowing what any of them mean.....But I did it...and talk about being proud of myself...and all and all they turned out pretty good.

Trying out the new cam

These photos are of no signifigance....just wanted to play with my new cam....although I do think
they turned out pretty good.

Some times life seems to lead you down roads you just don't understand...
My path right now seems unclear to me and I know that it will work out and things will eventually be fine, but right now I feel overwhelmed with life. If I think back to my child hood and up to now, I don't think that I have ever been "satisfied" if ever such a thing there is? I don't know.....I am sure I am not the only person that has this unsatisfied and unsure feeling, but where is my epiphany of life...when I finally know what it is I was put here for? Where is my satisfaction.....where do I look...yes I know...inside myself...but really...c'mon..it's gotta be easier than that.....how come some people seem to be complete? I just don't get it.
Anyways..enough of the blah blah blah....my time will come......

Letting go...............

Today, I will practice accepting myself and my present circumstances. I will begine to watch and trust the magic that acceptance can bring into my life.

Standing Alone

Sometimes I think that this is the hardest thing to do...besides being a parent.

Trying to do the things I like......

Well, I am going to try and keep this blog up again......I really did like to write. Things are just so different that I can not seem to focus though, but I am going to give this a good try anyway.
One thing I am going to share is I went fly fishing the other day...oooo how I wish my camera was remembered. I really dislike it when I forget it. Anyway, fly fishing is sooo fun! I will defiantly become a full time angler this year. I can't wait to get a big fish too :) !!
I know this is short but at least I am trying...right?
If you are reading this my dear friend...I miss you and all the little ones....I hope to see you soon.....and about our talk all is the same.......
Be back soon!

Still here....

Yes I am still here...I can not believe how long it has been since I have written anything.
Anyways, so many things have changed in my life since my last post that I could not possibly try and enter them into my blog. In fact I am not sure what to type now....I need to focus on a single thought which has proven to be very difficult for me. I don't know why it is but, my brain is not capable of only a single thought at a time.
Oh well....