Tuesday, April 7, 2009

When the innocence is gone

Posted by PicasaI am writing this post only for my benefit. I need to release my emotions. I stand alone in this world and at times it is very difficult.
The title of my post is "When the innocence is gone"...I chose this because my daughter has grown into someone I don't know. She has spent many months pushing me out of her life. It doesn't matter how hard I try to stay in it, she just seems to push harder.
Fourteen years ago May 1, 1995 was the most wonderful day of my life. I have always said that God gave me my daughter to make me a better person. I truly believe that.
Over the years we have gone through so much together just her and I.
We have dealt with deaths.
We have dealt with heartaches.
We have dealt with surgeries.
We have dealt with poverty.
We have dealt with abuse.
We have dealt with moves.
We have dealt with change.
We have dealt with happiness.
We have dealt with Love.
We have dealt with Life.
She has always been with me through thick and thin. I would have had it no other way. She has always been my life, my strength, my drive, my heart, my world. Everything I have ever done was to make her life better. Every thought included how it would effect her. Every action was based on how her life would be.
We have come to a point now that is so heart wrenching for me I am having a difficult time coping.
She does not want to live in my home.
She believes she knows whats best for herself.
To a point maybe she does, but she wont let me guide her any longer.
She has created a shield for herself, a facade.
It started a long time ago, she began to change. Some of the changes were normal, and some are not. She has hurt herself. She has talked about suicide...I have been told by a doctor that its normal...I'm not so sure. She has started smoking marijuana. She has been suspended from school for smoking pot, she has been suspended for fighting. She has one more chance at school.
She has become vile.
She has become angry.
She has become abusive.
She has become depressed.
She is disrespectful.
She is aggressive.
She is lazy.
She is just not my little girl anymore.
Even though I will always consider her my baby no matter how much she dislikes it.
She wants to go. She doesn't know where.
She wants to be grown up. She doesn't know what she wants to be.
She wants a new start. She doesn't know where to start.
She wants the world. It wont fit in her hands.
Today is the last straw. Changes will be made. Lives will be changed.
She needs help. I need help.
I want my daughter back. I don't want to wait until I lose her completely.
What comes next will be the hardest journey that her and I have taken together.
How it will end I do not know. How she will respond I do not know. In fact I am going in blind.
I have never been so unsure of how to deal with anything in my life... I am going to do what I know. If you ask anyone that knows me...I am strong..I have always stood alone...I have always been a fighter.
I hope she makes it out of this. I hope she understands one day. I hope she comes back. I hope she will forgive. I hope she will give love. I hope she will receive love.
I hope she will let me hold her again.
I love you with everything that I am Stasia..........Rember this song.....its how you make me feel...


Krista said...

I'm guessing at what a scary and painful place this must be for both of you, Kim. Sounds like you're both needing some serious support and heaps of reassurance that you both be okay. Drop me a line if you need an ear other than writing here.
Sending you warm thoughts.

At Home With The Seitz Family said...

Your heart just poured out in this note. I feel for you and I too am here for you and Stasia. You are in my thought, my prayers and my heart. I love you guys.
Stay strong, it seems like the impossible now but you will get there and so will she. You guys are too strong not to :)

stasia said...

mom.it seem as u write this my thoughts are there also.i wish u could understand what has driven me to this point.im not leaving u forever mom.just enough time for me to get a grip on what i am meant to do.i have been so distracted with our "family" that i have lost myself.being around and in that invironment has done no good for me.u know that.i need a place were i can be me without having to defend myself or feel rejected or as i do at "home" you should feel welcome and happy to go home.not sad depressed and wishing there was somewere.anywere else u could go but there.mabey if i felt confident that things would be ok when i go home.then i would be on time.i would participate.i would give out my love to u.but i feel i have to defend everything i say to everyone.how is that fair? ps i love u